Breakthrough Narcissism Cure

Despite growing numbers of licensed therapists, there are more narcissists among us than ever. This easy home remedy for narcissism could help ease the psychotherapy workload.

"Liz" was deeply unhappy in her marriage. After enduring 25 years of psychologically abusive marriage to a manipulative, insecure man, she was vulnerable and confused. One day she came across a book about narcissism. The book described "Tom" and their marriage so perfectly that the diagnosis was a certainty. It wasn't that she had married an intensely selfish man, then allowed him to mistreat her for 25 years. Tom had simply come down with a case of narcissism—a mental illness. What a relief! Illnesses are no one's fault. And there are treatments available. After many years living under the darkest clouds, the sun suddenly burst through and bathed a desperate, devalued woman in sunlight. Liz contacted the book's author, who agreed to treat her afflicted husband. But, Tom's narcissism was too advanced to respond to even the best efforts of one of the most expensive therapists. Finally, Liz gave up. She bought a house in another city and will live out her life there. Tom will die alone.

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance," says the Mayo Clinic. But, the point at which a reasonably high sense of our own importance becomes an unreasonably high sense is quite imprecise. And it can be tricky maintaining reasonableness over the course of a human life. “If you recognize aspects of your personality that are common to narcissistic personality disorder or you're feeling overwhelmed by sadness,” suggests the Mayo Clinic, “consider reaching out to a trusted health care provider or mental health provider."

In real life, we have basically three options when faced with an unreasonable person. We can ask to see the manager. We can beat him over the head with a 2x4. Or we can try to talk some sense into him. The third option is the Mayo Clinic's preferred method: "Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy."

So, if you reach out to a trusted mental health provider seeking treatment for your narcissism, expect to pay someone to try to talk some sense into you.

If you were paying me to talk some sense into you, here's what I would say:

To operate in this world we must rely on the information we receive from our five senses. If my eyes tell me there is a bus coming down the street, I must trust my eyes and not step into its path. We learn to trust the information we receive from our senses completely. But, in one important respect, our senses have been lying to us from the moment of birth and they will continue to lie to us until the moment of death. Every single waking moment of our lives, our senses tell us we are the center of the universe. Even right now. Look around. See? You are the center of everything.

It’s a lie. When we were babies, of course, that's how everyone treated us, but when we grew out of babyhood, we started to distinguish between the objects around us and soon discovered that some of those objects—other humans—all started life with the same delusion of being the center of the universe that we had. We (most of us, anyway) had to give up that delusion of centrality. This is called maturity. It's necessary. If everyone refused to give up the delusion of centrality, no society could form, and, consequently, there would be no humans. Our humanity depends on relinquishing the claim to the center of the universe, to have a reasonable sense of our own importance. In order to act in terms of the world as it really is, we had to stop being a child and grow up. The Mayo Clinic acknowledges this in clinicalese, "Some children may show traits of narcissism, but this is often typical for their age and doesn't mean they'll go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder."

The difficulty is that our senses never stop telling us we are the center of everything. It takes a conscious effort—sometimes a strenuous one—to step out of that constant stream of lies. Having a reasonable sense of our own importance is a lifelong, conscious effort to grant others the same right to centrality that we have. Acting rationally in terms of the world as it really is is a function of how we treat one another. That means narcissism is a moral condition, not a mental one. It is a religious question, not a scientific one. In other words, curing narcissism requires moral action, not medical treatment.

So, that's what I would say if you were paying me to talk some sense into you. If you weren't paying me much, I'd give you the tl/dr version:

Develop exercises to force yourself to de-objectify others. For example, once a day, find something admirable in another person and tell them so. Keep a journal, if you have to. "Today, April 25, I told the girl working behind the counter at the convenience store I liked how easily she smiles. Then her face really lit up." Simple as that. But it has to be honest, which is not so simple and will force you to really look at others in their world, to see them as actual persons. If you've been a full-blown narcissist for a long time, this may feel awkward as hell. You may even look like an ass. Don't worry. It gets easier. Just keep plowing forward and it will change your life. Instead of going through life wondering why the world is happening to you, you will go through life wondering how God is acting through you in the world. Just think how empowering that is.

And if you were paying me nothing at all to talk some sense into you, I'd just say, "Get married, have kids, make an effort to maintain friendships, read books in order to see the world through the eyes of others, and avoid money-worship like the plague."